JOKES

Older women

A man was married 25 years, He took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years
ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-
year-old blonde."

He continued, "Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side
of things."

The wife is a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old
blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap
apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a man's mid-life crises.

*****
Jan is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

Bob walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen
table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
The Twelve Days of Christmas

DAY ONE:

Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a
thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and affection,

Violet

DAY TWO:

Dearest Bob,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two turtle doves!! I'm
delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable.

My everlasting love,

Violet

DAY THREE:

My Dear Bob,

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity - three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist - you've been too,
too kind.

All my love,

Violet

DAY FOUR:

Dear Bob,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE beautiful. But don't
you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic.

Love,

Violet

DAY FIVE:

Dear Bob,

What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings. One for every
finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds really
squawk a lot and are getting on my nerves.

Affectionately,

Violet

DAY SIX:

Bob,

Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually six
geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the birds again. Those geese are
huge! Where in the name of creation will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining,
rightfully so, and it is impossible to sleep through this racket.

Now let this be the end of it.

Cordially,

Violet

DAY SEVEN:

Bob,

What the hell's with you and these f*cking birds?!? Seven swans-a-swimming? What kind
of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the
racket.

Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.

Sincerely,

Violet

DAY EIGHT:

OK Pal ! !

WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD
TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD
SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.

JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.

DAY NINE:

LISTEN SHITHEAD ! !

YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT YARD AND
THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING THOSE MAIDS ALL
NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE POINT THAT THEY ARE
STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS HAVE
STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.

UP YOURS ! ! !

DAY TEN:

YOU ROTTEN PRICK ! ! !

NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS "LADIES."
THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG.

NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS
TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT ! !

THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO
GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.

I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! !

I MEAN IT. BY GOD !

DAY ELEVEN:

LISTEN F*CKHEAD ! ! ! !

NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO
ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."

THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND -- AND THEY WILL NEVER
WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.

THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERAS
AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE
FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.

FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE TRAMPLED
TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! !
!

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR F*CKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!

MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN

DAY TWELVE:

Law Offices of Goldstein, Silveberg and O'Reilly

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which
you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Monica Habershan.

The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If
you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the Charter Glade Sanitarium, the
attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight!

With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

As seen in Scott Carpenter's Strange Lust Newsletter. You can join here.