Thursday, May 24, 2007

Random thoughts on love and marriage

A few posts by my fellow bloggers have made me think about my love life, and other friends and acquaintances have asked Bob & me how we keep such a good thing going. So I started thinking...

We truly, honestly like each other. I think Bob is one of the nicest people I have ever met. And funny? Don't get me started. He totally cracks me up. Our senses of humor totally mesh. One of his friends told him if it wasn't for sarcasm, Bob would be mute. Ummm, sarcasm, anyone?

I love the way that we think completely in sync with each other. We literally finish each other's thoughts. Constantly. Perfect example. Last night we were at temple for my nephew's confirmation. We were looking for a parking place in the lot, which was packed. Steve asks, "What are you doing?" At the same time, we both say, "Trolling for a parking spot." Bob looks at me, eyebrows raised. How many people would say trolling? Looking for a spot, yes. Trolling? And this happens to us all the time.

I quite simply adore my husband. I think he's sexy as all get out. He has the most amazing laugh lines around his gorgeous blue eyes, not to mention his great butt :) We have rockin' sex, still, after all these years. (He does give EC a big thank you salute, BTW *g*). But I think the key to it all is 4 simple words. Love. Compromise. Respect. Laughter. We always respect each other's opinions. Even when we disagree, we always respect the other's right to have their dissenting opinion (even if I'm always right, we've been together long enough for him to have perfected the "yes, dear" phrase *g*). And when we do disagree, we compromise - who is the issue truly important to? 9 times out of 10, that question clears up any doubts we may have about which way to go. And we laugh. A lot. At each other, at our kids, at ourselves, at life in general.

If I'm selfish today, I can't be selfish tomorrow. Selfishness has to be the exception, not the rule. As the exception, it is understood, and accepted. "Bad day" and all that. As the rule, you are simply selfish. Selfishness has no place in a relationship. The relationship has to be open and only have room to expand - to take in each other, your children, your friends, your family. You have to give each other the freedom to be who you are. Bob is a musician. If he wasn't in a band playing his guitar and singing, he would wither away. It's not only my duty as his wife and partner, it's my pleasure to support him in that. Even if it means that he spends 2 nights a week away from us. It's what makes him happy and whole. Without it, he'd be unhappy, resentful and not the man I fell in love with. He, in turn, doesn't bat an eye when I ask him to skip a practice - I'd only do so if it was important. If I want "alone time", or want to go away to meet friends for a weekend, he's right there encouraging me.

I can't remember a night in 22 years that we haven't gone to sleep without saying "I love you." And I don't say it in the "take you for granted" way either. I really mean it when I say it. We had our anniversary earlier this week. My mom asked me what I got. Nothing. We don't do gifts. We spent the evening together. That's our gift to each other. (She couldn't fathom that, btw).

Our kids have never heard us fight. Ever. Not because we do it in secret - we just don't fight. Not even over money. Not even during PMS. This man to die for recognizes PMS at its earliest signs and tells me to leave the house and go buy a book. How can you not love him? (even if he really just wants me to leave LOL). I think our last fight was in 1986, when we broke up for a whole day. {{{shudder}}} that was horrid!

So where is this all leading? Well, beats me. But for our friends who say to us "I want what you have", my first instinct is always to say you can - you just have to be willing to work at it. But then I realize how precious and rare my love and marriage is, and I pause. If you have that special someone, you definitely can. But it takes courage and commitment. Love. Respect. Compromise. Laughter.

Edited to add Bob's thoughts: First, he came to bed crying last night because he read this before he came in to bed. The only thing he had to add was one other word to my 4. Patience. He cracked a joke that no other woman would have waited 8 years for a marriage proposal. But seriously, only one of us is allowed to lose it at a time. It's tacitly agreed. And we agreed on one other thing. All these things work together, and make for a happy marriage that works, but they only equal true bliss if you are with your soulmate. We feel truly blessed.

8 People Gabbed:

Stacy~ said...

And the right man! *g* I've never met the one, you know, the one person whom I love like that. If I did, I hope I would be just as willing to do what you have to keep it going.

GREAT post, and dh sounds like he's just perfect for you :)

Anne said...

Sigh. Love that. You two are meant to be, literally. Soul mates. You're very lucky. As much as I hate to admit it, I had mine years ago and let him go. Don't get me wrong, Bob and I don't have a horrible relationship, but we aren't soul mates and we don't have the two most important ingredients in a marriage. While we have love and laughter, we don't have compromise or respect. I envy you and am so damn happy for your at the same time. Hugs!

Chantal said...

That post has me all teary eyed :)
I have the same relationship with my DH, and it feels so good.

I have to laugh at you trolling around for a parking spot. If the kids are not with us, then I have forced DH to pull over because my hands and mouth get a little busy, hehe.

I married him at 16, and this October will mark 12 years. I love him more and more every day.

Lori said...

Anne, sweetie, I think that you have it more than you may realize. At least I hope you do. I know how much you love him.

Stacy, you just never know where you'll meet him. Bob was a total stoner - got drunk and high all day and night when I met him in college, LOL. My nickname was 7-up (remember the "never had it, never will" campaign?). The guys in the dorm had bets going on when I'd have my first beer. So, open minds and all that.

And Chantal, 16? Wow. I thought I was young to recognize my soulmate at 18. Not too many babies keep it going as many years as you have. Congrats on keeping it alive and letting each other grow up. That's hard to do.

Holly said...

I'm still seriously annoyed with MM, but even so, I can say I feel the same way about him.

But how ironic that I'm annoyed with him because he misses me? lol

Karen Scott said...

That was just lovely Anne, just effing lovely...

Jenster said...

Beautiful post. I'm happy to say I have what you have. (And for about the same length of time - since 1984 - married in 1988). A lot of marriages crash when they go through what we've been through in the last two years, or any kind of trauma - but we've just gotten even closer. Which is amazing because I didn't think it was even possible. :o)

Lori said...

Jenster, early on we went throughsome serious health crises, too. Not that I think my experience equates with cancer, and I cross my fingers and hope everything works out for you every day :), but I was in and out of the hospital frequently with very uncontrolled asthma - never knowing if I was going to be on a ventilator this time or not. Scary stuff for an unmarried guy in his very early 20s. He stuck it out, and I agree - it made us stronger. Helps clarify what's important. Fortunately we were important.