Jokes

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

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Who wears the pants???

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat......

He says,"Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took of my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them." I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants inthis family and I always will."Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, "Here try these on." She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, "Here you try on mine."
He does and says "I can't get into your pants."

Karen says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."

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A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 39th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies MyHusband-Stiff At Last."